When you think about going through your divorce, what thoughts first go through your mind?  When you think about your spouse, what thoughts first come to you?  Those initial thoughts are a good indication of what your “mindset” is.  Are they negative, positive, full of anger, revenge, remorse, shame, sadness……or what?  Do you look upon your spouse as simply someone you no longer want to live with, or do you think of him/her as a monster?

If you want mediation to be a success, those more “destructive” thoughts need to be put into a lock box and stored in the back of the closet of your mind and left there, hopefully forever.  To have a successful mediation, your “mindset” must be free of revenge or similar vengeful thoughts.

You may be thinking to yourself that it is no use trying to control the anger or resentment you have against your spouse because you hardly remember the last time he/she treated or talked to you decently; that arguing has been your major means of communication for months, or even years.  

Having those thoughts is not uncommon or unusual.  However, these thoughts need to be controlled.  Never forget that if either person is out to get revenge, such a mindset will almost guarantee failure in mediation.  For some, that is the ultimate stumbling block, but it does not have to be yours. 

On the positive side, neither side is required to “like” the other to have success.  If you or the other party have any of these “roadblocks”, they can be left behind and you can arrive at a successful mediation, but you do need to make an effort.  We already know that achieving anything good is not automatic, but possible.  And the rewards always outweigh the effort.

As you are “adjusting” your mindset to prepare for mediation, it will be helpful to remember that no agreement is reached in mediation through anger.  A very wise religious leader recently stated that “contention reinforces the false notion that confrontation is the way to resolve differences; but it never is… Anger never persuades.  Hostility builds no one.  Contention never leads to inspired solutions.” 

Sometimes people do get upset during mediations.  Maybe a recess is necessary.  Participants can use that time to put their anger in their back pocket.  It is possible, and by doing that you can acquire the necessary “mindset” to have a successful mediation.