A simple concept to keep in mind, although easily forgotten during moments of high stress and emotion, is that there are only two options as to who will make the decisions concerning your divorce.
The advantageous part is that you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse are the first ones to have the opportunity to reach agreements on how you will finalize your divorce.
The disadvantageous part is that some of you will immediately think that it is impossible to reach any decisions with the person you are about to end your marriage with; that emotions are running high and arguments are common. A substantial number of mediations begin with the same premise.
Review the section, “Mediation Works When Negotiation Fails”.
Before giving up, remember that the key advantage of reaching your own agreements is that you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse maintain control over the process. While neither party gets “everything they want”, on the other hand, no one agrees to anything unless they “can live with it.” That is a wonderful measuring stick because it allows both of you to be the primary decision-makers throughout the process.
A neutral mediator guides discussions on topics like asset division, child custody, spousal maintenance (alimony), and more. NO ONE imposes rulings on you that are not agreed upon by both parties
Once you agree on terms, the mediator drafts a settlement agreement. This gets reviewed (often by your individual lawyers) and submitted to a court for final approval—making it legally binding. The judge typically rubber-stamps it if it’s fair and voluntary, without needing to decide anything themselves.
The second and only remaining option is that a judge makes the final decisions (court orders). This would only happen if you give up attempting to negotiate, or the mediation breaks down and the case goes to court. Here, after you have paid many thousands of dollars extra, a judge whom you probably have never seen before, and he/she has never seen you, reviews evidence, hears arguments from both sides’ lawyers, many times over periods of LESS THAN one day, and makes the ultimate decisions on all disputed issues that affect your life for years to come.
To say this feels rather impersonal is an understatement. True, the judge will make decisions based on the facts (as presented and/or perceived by the judge) and the law, and certainly not according to your unique preferences. You have no choice (remember you gave up that choice when you decided mediation was not possible and decided to go to court) but to comply with the decisions of the judge, no matter how contrary to your position, or suffer the consequences.
People who reach an agreement in mediation instead of going to court often describe the experience as being able to maintain control, being less stressful, and more positive to maintain an ongoing relationship with their former spouse. (Especially important when children are involved.)
Being forced to comply with judge-made orders many times increased the animosity between the parties. Also, the greatly increased cost of litigation made it much more difficult for either party to comply with post-divorce financial orders. Many highlight that mediation helped them avoid hostility, reduced legal costs, and allowed them to focus on practical solutions and future co-parenting.
In divorces, the “winners” are those who avoid the “marathon divorce.” The parties instead make their own agreements to file with the court and can equate their divorce to a 100-yard dash or the 440-yard run. That process is far less exhausting than litigating; writing motions, collecting evidence to try and place your spouse in the worst light possible, finding and interviewing witnesses who favor you and are against your spouse, subjecting your children to months and months of watching you and your spouse argue in an increasingly negative or hateful routine, subjecting everyone to interviews and reports regarding your children and finances, collecting appraisals, preparing and organizing exhibits, writing a detailed pre-trial statement, then have the judge make rulings after having heard all the evidence for usually less than one day. The outcome is the same — you’re divorced. But litigating to the end will cost an addition $5,000 to $25,000+ per person over the first option!
My goal is to help more people achieve their divorce by running the 100-yard dash, maybe even a mile run, but avoiding the grueling marathon. While marathons can be admirable personal goals, a “marathon divorce” is something to avoid like the plague.
Whether or not you have children, the thought may cross your mind after the “court fight” is over how you would like to go on a “Staycation” or a vacation, or enjoy some other activity, but there is no money left to even think about it! Depending on your situation, you may be paying back the money you borrowed just to pay your attorney’s fees for years to come! Or maybe you spent your inheritance or your 401K.
You are “depleted” even though you have not just finished a physical fight, but emotions can run so high that when the final trial is over, you may feel like you have been physically beat down. This can be true for both husbands and wives. Recovery, both financially and emotionally, is not easy and may take months or years even when the results are more positive than negative. Some may wonder for years if maybe they could have gotten divorced in an easier way. Don’t be one of them.
Due to the many, many divorces Mr. Larson has been personally familiar with, he has become more acutely aware of the bad, good, better and best ways to get through a divorce. He even wrote a book about it, now on Amazon Kindle, “Love Is Grand but Divorce Is 20 Grand”, available at Amazon: https://a.co/d/2zuB7SC. A few dollars can bring you a huge ROI.
The public needs such a book, as it is said that the two most difficult occurrences in our lives are death of loved ones and divorce. Knowing people who have suffered through both, those connected with Divorce Resolution Now have concluded that divorce is the worst, or at least can be the worst, if not handled correctly.
Most of us are aware of a family member or friend who has suffered through a lengthy, painful and expensive court battle and do not wish this consequence on even on our enemies (or at least most of them). Those with Divorce Resolution Now have seen it too many times and would very much like to see you avoid such a scenario.
We are taught in many areas of our life to “hold your ground”. That is great advice in other areas, but if you do that in a divorce, you may end up with very expensive real estate that is now overvalued, and you cannot resell it for what you paid.
